Confessions of a . . .

New blog

2009-03-12T21:30:00.001-04:00

New blog for now:
http://inquisitiveseeker.wordpress.com/

Growing Christian

2008-07-25T21:04:00.002-04:00

So I'm still unemployed. However if the only reason why I've been unemployed for 2 months is so that I can figure out what I've figured out in the past 48 hours it was COMPLETELY worth it!

Most of you know about my ex, and if you don't please don't ask. Basically he was my first love. . . blah blah blah. He came to see me for my birthday, BIG mistake! It just confused me and something happened that really offended me and he didn't feel like it was wrong in the least bit. I realized yesterday that he never respected me and that was the whole problem- never respecting my time, my emotions or my body. And as if that was enough he actually admitted to it and said he never really cared about me.

That's the short story. As if my heart was not already broken by this person. But thankfully God has taught me He is good ALL THE TIME. During my reading time today, this verse came up:

"Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them." ~Ephesians 5:6-7

Wow! It totally know God is supporting me. It's an awesome feeling and I am grateful for the friends that have told me to end my friendship with him all along. Unfortunately it was one of those things that took time, but I finally got it and I am happy! YAY!

Searcher

2008-06-22T23:04:00.002-04:00

It's been a while. I was laid off from my job on May 15th and I'm currently unemployed. I've been using this time, or at least trying to use it, to figure out me and figure out God. I've had some intense struggles. I am a sinful person, we all are. I'm trying to figure out how to overcome some of that. I attend Summit Church and the pastor, JD, made a comment about sin today. He said that we have to find something we are more passionate about (God) than our sin in order to overcome it. That made sense to me both spiritually and psychologically. Cold-turkey is very hard and rarely do people do it well. But if we look at how people do go cold turkey they replace their problem, like smoking, with something else, like chewing gum or mints. So, if I have this really big sin I've been struggling with and I've tried to rationalize to not really be a sin how do I overcome it? I need to increase my passion for God and let it be a stronger urge than my urge to commit the sin. I'm going to work on that and get back to you on it!
In other news, I had an interview last week that went really well I think. I'm praying I get the position and I would appreciate any prayers! I haven't stressed, I trust that God will provide for me no matter what and if this job doesn't work out He has another one for me that is even better. So I will keep on searching. . .

Lover of the little things in life

2008-04-15T23:00:00.002-04:00

Some people know this and some don't, but although I am a supervisor for direct care workers I also work as a direct care worker at a different agency. I keep my part-time job because it pays well and I have a few clients that still call me. I've been working with G, a 10 yr old girl with autism, now for 3 years and I take her out at least once a week. Last week we picked up an application to get her her own library card so she could check out books. I thought nothing of it but today when I came to get her her mom told me we HAD to go get the card today. I have never seen such excitement in a very long time! She practically ran into the library and then when they handed her the card she turned around and said "Ms. Jessica I have a LIBRARY CARD NOW!" I had to remind her we whisper in the library but she was so giddy about it it was contagious!

I think that's why I continue to do direct care. My grandma used to say that God brought my aunt (who had Downs Syndrome) into the world to teach us something. I really do think that all children with disabilities are meant not to be a burden from God but a blessing. It's hard to realize sometimes, but the little things that G gets excited about makes me think that is how I should feel at all the blessings I have in my life.

I took her to UNC campus (my alma mater of course) a few weeks ago and she was excited to read all the things on the monuments throughout the quad that I had barely realized existed during my 4 years there. She was thrilled when she found a blue flower because it's her favorite color. The little things made her so amazed.

When did I lose that amazement with God, life and creation? She also doesn't realize people could be bad. She had a $5 bill and had it in her hand the whole time we were walking and I told her it was not safe. She asked why not and I explained that a bad person could come and take it. She replied that that would be mean for them to do. She's not cautious at all when it comes to people and although I think it's an amazing thing to not see the bad in people it's dangerous in our world. When did I stop trusting others and learn to hide my money and such?

I think I love working with kids with autism and disabilities in general because they teach me so much. There is so much excitement when the smallest steps are made and levels of development are overcome. It makes me worry less about the big stuff like money and safety and relationships and look at more of the things that I don't normally "see." G could care less how much money she has, would feel safe anywhere she went and doesn't understand divorce and relationships, it's an innocence I sometimes wish I had. I am grateful for disabilities because with out them I would not have learned as much as I have in life.

Single Soul

2008-04-14T23:04:00.002-04:00

The minister at my church is doing a series about dating and love and it's really got me thinking a lot. I've been single since October 31,2006. I'm 22 years old. It doesn't really bother me. I've been through it all- an abusive relationship that turned into a stalker, an event no one should ever have to go through, and a relationship where I thought I fell in love, but now I know I didn't. There are many other events I don't feel comfortable mentioning on something that can be read by the whole universe too! My point is I've been through a lot and I am comfortable being single. However, JD (the minister), asked the single people in the church to write a letter to God telling Him we are okay being single forever. *Gulp* But what about children and a husband and the class play? What about that life I have planned out for myself?

I filled in for one of my staff who has come down with the flu with supported employment at a local restaurant. One of the cooks, an older gentleman, told me "I'm not in any way trying to flirt with you but you are too pretty to not have a boyfriend." When I told him my life is busy and I just haven't found the right guy he asked me "But don't you get lonely?" I do and that's something I struggle with, but who says I'm not going to be lonely at times in a relationship? As JD said "A lonely pathetic single person turns into a lonely pathetic married person (okay not a DIRECT quote)."

So what's my conclusion right now? Today I am okay being single. I am still trying to figure out me. That does not mean that if the right person came along I would pass up the chance at all. It just means in the near future I am okay with my singleness. Long term I don't know yet. I think I would be. I see it this way- I've been through multiple events in the past year or so that I would consider the roughest times in my life and I didn't depend on anyone but God. I didn't need a boyfriend to hold me up, I was fine. So I will continue to be fine and depend on God and when the time comes maybe He will send me an awesome guy (with a hot body of course ;-) , but until then I am fine being single.

Busy Woman

2007-09-12T21:51:00.000-04:00

Well first I posted this on my facebook site last night and I need input:
This weekend I realized I am old. I took a new friend, who came here from Mexico to be an au pair for a family I know to Fiesta del Pueblo. I had a good time and I enjoyed meeting people that she knew that happened to be my age. Then I realized something, she's 17- that's 5 years younger than me! Thinking back to when I was 17 I remember thing that people who had graduated college were so old and it would be forever before I got to that age. Realization: I AM THAT AGE! I'm done with college and in the real world, scary stuff.
Then today at work I realized I want to be back in college. We were in a meeting and the leader of the meeting said that the way we can figure out if our trainings are working is to look at the progress of our clients (staff implement what they learn in training on the clients). I raised my hand and said that that is not feasible as there are many extraneous variables we can't account for acting on the client that could cause a change. Their response: well we can't do anything about those. The staffing coordinator later told me they do not like people telling them that what they are doing is not correct so if I want to keep my job I better keep my knowledge to myself. UM in college I did 2 years of research. . . I know what they said is not legit because it can't be tested. Ugh I want the scholarly world back where I can question things and my knowledge is seen as a gift instead of a curse!

My second thing is I'm worried. My ex is in Iraq and hasn't logged on to myspace in 10 days which he usually checks it every 2-3 days b/c they get time and b/c he knows certain people (urhm me) use that to see if he is okay. So I'm worried. Pray he is okay and just is out on a long assignment. Pray that I don't go crazy worrying. Just pray.

Girl with a Positive Self Image- yes I know there are few of us left!

2007-08-15T22:38:00.001-04:00

So I get a Peak Fitness membership and so far I like the gym. I was all excited because I got 2 free training sessions with a personal trainer. I was like cool, I can learn all the machines. NOT! First off all they gave me a hot trainer, and he knew he was hot and made sure to show it off the whole time. Then he totally spelled scoliosis wrong! Next he gave me a workout I didn't even want to do- I wanted to learn all the machines and go through the gym but oh no. Then he totally cushioned my whole workout- I'm unable to do a full rotation with my arm- it has to do with my fractured collarbone and I knew I couldn't do it. . . . I still tried but was barely doing it and he put his hand under mine and basically did it for me. VERY annoying because although I play the card sometimes I am not a dumb blonde, especially when it comes to fitness. THEN- and this is the WORST part. . . . he sits me down and totally tries to force me with all his might to get me to sign up for personal training. He was totally unsure of the price switching between 25 a session and 30. . . . okay I pay 25 a month for the gym why the hell would I pay you 25 for ONE session once a month? Financially that makes no sense. He basically made me real uncomfortable and I don't even want me second free session now. Come to find out they don't even work for Peak and he was totally dissing the gym the whole time. They are contracted to work there and work for their own company. So basically there are no Peak employees to show you how to use equipment, just those business-hungry jocks. Fun stuff. Guess I will be using my guest passes to get my fitness friends to come with me and show me how to use stuff. Wish I knew all of this BEFORE going to that meeting b/c now I'm sure they will bug me at the gym and on my cell. BLAH!

concerned friend who is not happy with the Army

2007-07-29T22:25:00.000-04:00

I just found out that one of my closest friends will not see her husband now for another 6 months. He deployed in Feb. and was supposed to have R&R (basically a break to come home- usually happens halfway through deployment) this coming week and was told now it won't be until Feb. That means they will not see each other for a whole year! That is absurd!
Having so many friends in Iraq/Afghanistan I've heard alot of stories, most that I won't pass along but I feel I have a pretty good idea of what is going on and I have STRONG views on the war. My minister said today that he will be preaching on the war in Iraq and that really concerns me. I feel that if it disagrees with my view, this is so deeply rooted emotionally, personally, and logically to me, it may cause me to leave. That's a strong statement I know, but my view on this war and the beliefs I hold on it are probably the 2nd strongest belief I hold, the 1st being of my religious beliefs.
I'm just really fed up with the war right now and everything that goes with it. Please pray for my friend and her husband as well as all the other people in Iraq/Afghanistan and their families.

Citizen with a stand

2007-06-29T22:18:00.000-04:00

Today alot of things happened, but only the most insignificant got me thinking. As I passed by Whole Foods there were a hand full of people with the same signs you always see at that corner "Impeach Bush" "Only way out of Iraq is to get Bush out" and the such. Here's my thing- Chapel Hill is supposed to be a fairly educated area. Someone please explain to me how starting an impeachment process that will take a long time- probably at least 6 months to a year, is going to get us out of Iraq? After this coming week I will have 6 friends in Iraq/Afghanistan so I feel as though I have some knowledge to base my opinions off of as I am hearing some stories first hand (Although thanks to the US government's ban on myspace and other popular sites unless it is registered with the government it is harder to get info out). Here is basically what I can tell you I believe right now: I don't like Bush more than anyone else right now, I especially don't like the choices he made regarding the war, BUT his counterparts in both elections I do not believe would have done a better job and Clinton kind of rocked the boat for this whole fiasco anyways. No one noticed because of his "indecent" incident. I don't think we should have an exact date to pull out either because then the enemy knows when to take over. I do think we should get the Iraqis an ultimatum (those always worked in my family)- you either get your stuff together with our help or we are pulling out. From what I hear they are mostly depending on the Americans and not stepping up.

Now the emotional side of me- I want my boys home! I want to tell Melissa she can finally spend an anniversary with her husband, I want to tell Diane she can enjoy the honeymoon stages of marriage (since they were married less than a month before her husband was shipped off), I want my other friend and his wife to actually spend time together since they have spent like 1/10 of their marriage actually together (they are both military), I want to give Melanae's brother back his arm and leg he lost when he was hit with an IED, and I want to know everyone is safe. I won't deal with a loss.

So that's my opinion- we need to get out of Iraq if the Iraqis won't step up and impeaching Bush is not the way. It's ignorant people standing on street corners with dumb signs that is creating an upheavel of the uneducated masses standing behind something that has no likelihood of happening.

I will step down from my soapbox now.

Grieving Friend

2007-06-25T23:13:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow marks 3 months since Jason Ray died. Every time I see the 26th on the calendar part of me dies. When I started my office job last week I said to myself "Jason's spirit would be smothered by an office." I swore that's why God took him- because he could not truely be alive in the "real world." 3 months later it hurts no less. Will it ever? Probably not. I feel like I lost a family member although we haven't been close the past 4 years. He was always there and I knew it, I just wish now I had taken the opportunity more often. I don't know how to make this better, but do I really want it to be better?

I GOT A JOB!

2007-06-08T10:00:00.000-04:00

Yes it's true. . . . I went for an interview yesterday, got an offer and confirmed! I interviewed around 3 pm for about an hour. I felt really good about it but the lady I interviewed with said she had 2 other people in the running as well that had either had the position before or had a higher position. I figured I wouldn't get it. My dad was working in Raleigh so he came and took me to Mama Dip's for dinner. During dinner my phone rang but it was a 336 area code and I don't know many people in that area. I didn't pick up but when I got in the car it was Kelly (who I interviewed with) saying she made her decision and to call her back. I called and she started talking about her family in Concord (which I was so nervous I didn't hear all of) and then she said "well I just called to offer you the position. You can start whenever you are able to and we will work with the ARC so none of your clients are left to fend for themselves." I screamed silently and haven't been able to stop smiling since. My dad took me to Glasshalfful (in Carrboro) and we had a glass of wine to celebrate! BTW I def recommend that restuarant to have a laid back light meal!

So the job is working as a Qualified Professional. The easiest way I can put it is this: currently I am a care provider. My new job will be the boss of the care providers- meeting new families, matching a provider with them, aiding the providers, checking thier work and doing paperwork. Within 90 days I will get health insurance, so I am buying a suplemental insurance until then. The company is also going to move and hopefully we will all get our own offices or at least desks! I tentitively start on Mon the 18th with flexibility to help the ARC until they find my replacement.

To say the least I am excited! I am grateful that although the door at TEACCH was closed God opened a bigger and better door and led me to a job where I will not worry about my finances and I can do much more than I ever good elsewhere. Thank God for watching out for me. Also thanks to all my friends for being there through it all!

Proud Soul

2007-06-05T13:18:00.000-04:00

As I've talked about the happenings of this weekend with John I feel proud. I could have fallen into the path we were in when we were dating and do stuff I would regret doing but I didn't. I didn't kiss him, I didn't sleep in the same bed with him, and I didn't let him talk about sex. I stood up for myself. Regardless of the last 2 posts I really did enjoy hanging out with him but it was bittersweet. The fear that comes with someone close to you going to Iraq took over and made me a bit of an emotional wreck. I got lost on the way home from Fayetteville (which I still don't know how it happened) and it ended up taking close to 3 hrs to get home instead of the 1 1/2 hours it took to get there! I also started crying when I got out of the Starbucks because I saw a soldier with his parents and his mom was teary-eyed and it just reminded me how many of our brothers, sons, daughters, sisters, mothers, fathers, lovers, and friends are fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan and dying each day. I mostly cried for me, I must admit, but I also cried for the lives that will never return to the USA. God bless our soldiers!

Still hurt woman

2007-06-04T09:16:00.000-04:00

John just left. He got in at almost midnight last night, we talked for an hour and a half then went to sleep in seperate bedrooms. Why am I crying now? Why does it feel like when I had to say goodbye the first time? Ugh I hate it. I hate that he can make me cry, that I care that much to drive to Fayetteville, be bored for 3 hours, talk to him for 2 hours, sleep seperately and STILL cry when he leaves. I hate it all.

Door Mat

2007-06-03T21:47:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here at 9:47 pm at my friend's house who is not home. Why you may ask? Because my ex boyfriend, the one I was so very much in love with but thought I had finally gotten over, is on his way to Fayetteville and wanted to see me. He was supposed to be in this morning, then I was supposed to pick him up and then he said he would be here by 8 pm. I've been in my friend's house since 7:30 and he called 30 mins ago to tell me he JUST got a rental car from RDU!! So basically it would have been better and made more sense for me to pick him up, duh. Why do I allow people to do this? His plans basically controlled my weekend, why? Because I felt obligated to see him since it's been over a year and he's getting ready to deploy again. I am sick of going by other people's plans. . . from now on it's by MY PLANS! (going back to sitting and waiting)

Allergy sufferer, exhausted woman

2007-05-31T20:43:00.000-04:00

I am tired. Exhausted to be exact. I need God to throw me a bone. My eyes started swelling/turning red 2 days ago so I went to the doc since my insurance ran out today. Here it's just allergies but hardcore so I am on eye drops and I can't get my contacts to stay in so lovely glasses it is. Then I found out my ex, John, is deploying again. He's going to be in Fayetteville Sunday so I may go there since it's been over a year. It always scares me when he leaves because he is special forces. So we talked from like 1:15 am -2ish am this morning and then my laptop died. So now I have a loaner (for the 3rd time in 1 month). I am trying to find a job (thanks to anyone who has given leads) and deciding my living situation for the next 2 months. Then my dad called and stressed me out with money talk and telling me to do common sense things I've already been doing. I ended up yelling at him and hanging up. I sent an apologetic e-mail but I am just so exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally I can't function. Tomorrow I work 7am-1pm, 2:45pm-4pm, 5:30-whenever the parents get back so I won't have any rest in the near future. Not to mention my body is being weird for some reason (prob stress) and I can't eat much and when I do I tend to get sick. AHHHH! I just need a break here somewhere. Pray for me!

Tired Soul

2007-05-30T10:20:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I found out I did not get the job I've been banking on since March. To say the least I was upset and angry at them for stringing me along. So now I am looking for other options and it is exhausting. If anyone has any leads let me know! My health insurance runs out tomorrow so guess what I am doing today?!?! Going to the doctor! My eyes have been itchy and now I have a small bump outside of the one so I want to get it checked out while I still have time. Insurance wise I have a 60 day grace period to buy Cobra if I am on the way to the hospital or something. I have to purchase insurance within 60 days or they won't cover any pre-existing conditions (ugh). So I am trying my hardest to let God take the reins but all I want is for Him to throw me a bone! Everything so far this year has been so hard I need a break! I haven't been sleeping well and I think it's because I haven't been exercising since I no longer have a gym (went away when I graduated) and I can't exercise outside because of the pollen allergies. Something has to go right soon, right?

Sad Friend

2007-05-09T23:09:00.000-04:00

As I finish up my announcements for graduation I realize Jason won't be there. The past 4 years we haven't been close, but every monumental event in my life I remember Jason being there. It's kind of funny but the most boring things that happened to me I remember Jason making me laugh. We were in Sunday School, we went to the concord fair, we went to Daine and Kim's wedding, we went to Puerto Rico, we both made the True Love Waits promise (lol), we graduated high school together, we were in Mrs. Driscol's Biology class together, we came to Carolina. Sadly right now I am listening to him sing because it makes me somehow feel like he is alive. Our dads have been joking for 4 years that this Sunday they get to "cut us off." I remember Jason's outrage when he got waitlisted for Carolina and I got in. He was comparing our records trying to figure out why. I wish I could have one last conversation with him, tell him everything I didn't say because I was too scared or too proud. I wish I could give him a hug and tell him I will try my best to take care of his parents the way he would mine. I want to tell him in the back of my mind I always thought maybe one day his mom's dream for us would come true. It's so silly the things that come back. As exciting as this coming weekend is, I feel something is missing. Jason won't be there goofing off. He would be the one with the beach ball or better yet the Ramses suit. I won't pick him out of the crowd because of his height or most likely goofy hat because he won't be there. This is one milestone I have to do on my own. It hurts like hell. I sometimes think the hurt may never go away. God help me!

Woman enraged against the war

2007-05-09T20:30:00.000-04:00

I have 6 close friends in Iraq and Afghanistan, a few more acquintances there. One of my acquintances was injured. My friend from highschool, Melanae, has an older brother, Shane, who was in the 82nd Airborne. He was hit by an IED and he lost his left leg and left hand. Let me just say THIS WAR NEEDS TO END. I don't care how but it needs to end. Yes the government is saying we are making progress and such and such but from my friends I hear we aren't doing much of anything but losing our men. In reality I can't handle losing a friend, not again. I know this is selfish but I can't do it.
I was also struck this morning by what was said on Good Morning America. They said that the flooding and fires throughout the country were "biblical." Now I don't know how much I agree but it is starting to get a little scary. There are floods and fires and then a war in the Middle East that really isn't going to have an end unless we do something drastic. My dad wants to get everyone except the army out of Iraq, disarm everyone, and have the world ignore any wrongdoings the army may need to do in order to accomplish it's goal. I don't have a solution. As much as I want to blame Bush, blame Congress, or blame Clinton I can't. Just like I can't blame anyone yet for Jason's death. It leaves this little wound in my heart. I've come to the conclusion that the little wound is why people are enraged by things like war. We need someone to blame for closure. Personally, I am trying to find that closure in God. I am trying hard.
Pray for Shane, pray for all of my friends in Iraq/Afghanistan, and pray for everyone fighting and their families back home. They need it most of all.

These are just 5 of my friends in Iraq/Afghanistan if you want to pray for them by name:

Michael Dodson
Michael Herrmann
Tony Illa
Brett Mixon
Dave Ambron

1 week away graduate

2007-05-07T21:49:00.000-04:00

I am stressed, or at least I think I am. Wierd thing is I am not anxious, just stressed. I am graduating in less than a week! I should be crazy by now looking for a job and a place to live but I'm not. I've put everything in God's hands and I tend to stop worrying. I just keep thinking- God is my refuge. The lovely and brillant Rachel from church was able to help me figure out who God is to me. This led me to Psalm 73. No matter what God will be there. Oddly I've actually thought about moving to Puerto Rico. Especially after reading a speech I wrote at the end of my freshmen year in high school I am wondering if missions is what God wants me to do. But at the same time I have a gift when it comes to Autism and developmental disabilities. . . I can relate to the kids, I can help the parents, and I have the patience it takes. I've basically told God it is all His- I have made no plans on my own. This kind of cares me but at the same time I have a sense of comfort, a sense of refuge. For the first time in my entire life I am saying "I don't know" and not freaking out. Do you know how good that feels?
And don't get me started on boys. I've been trying to think what opportunities I will have meeting men in certain jobs and then I thought "wait a minute, I need to do what God wants me to do right now and He will bring me the right person." Since December 3rd my life has been so different when it comes to guys. I made a promise with God that I will wait until I am married and God will bring me the right person and the strength to fight temptation. I am done having my heart broken and putting too much into relationships. I love being with a guy, I love cuddling, I love making out. . . but the reality is I can wait for God to send me a person instead of serial dating if I know my heart will not be completely broken. I am actually thinking about a tattoo in memory of Jason Ray (my friend and the Ramses who died) pictured above. I would change the initials in the stitching to JR or JKR.
Well I think that is a pretty open and honest post for my first post. More will follow!