Allergy sufferer, exhausted woman

I am tired. Exhausted to be exact. I need God to throw me a bone. My eyes started swelling/turning red 2 days ago so I went to the doc since my insurance ran out today. Here it's just allergies but hardcore so I am on eye drops and I can't get my contacts to stay in so lovely glasses it is. Then I found out my ex, John, is deploying again. He's going to be in Fayetteville Sunday so I may go there since it's been over a year. It always scares me when he leaves because he is special forces. So we talked from like 1:15 am -2ish am this morning and then my laptop died. So now I have a loaner (for the 3rd time in 1 month). I am trying to find a job (thanks to anyone who has given leads) and deciding my living situation for the next 2 months. Then my dad called and stressed me out with money talk and telling me to do common sense things I've already been doing. I ended up yelling at him and hanging up. I sent an apologetic e-mail but I am just so exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally I can't function. Tomorrow I work 7am-1pm, 2:45pm-4pm, 5:30-whenever the parents get back so I won't have any rest in the near future. Not to mention my body is being weird for some reason (prob stress) and I can't eat much and when I do I tend to get sick. AHHHH! I just need a break here somewhere. Pray for me!

Tired Soul

Yesterday I found out I did not get the job I've been banking on since March. To say the least I was upset and angry at them for stringing me along. So now I am looking for other options and it is exhausting. If anyone has any leads let me know! My health insurance runs out tomorrow so guess what I am doing today?!?! Going to the doctor! My eyes have been itchy and now I have a small bump outside of the one so I want to get it checked out while I still have time. Insurance wise I have a 60 day grace period to buy Cobra if I am on the way to the hospital or something. I have to purchase insurance within 60 days or they won't cover any pre-existing conditions (ugh). So I am trying my hardest to let God take the reins but all I want is for Him to throw me a bone! Everything so far this year has been so hard I need a break! I haven't been sleeping well and I think it's because I haven't been exercising since I no longer have a gym (went away when I graduated) and I can't exercise outside because of the pollen allergies. Something has to go right soon, right?

Sad Friend

As I finish up my announcements for graduation I realize Jason won't be there. The past 4 years we haven't been close, but every monumental event in my life I remember Jason being there. It's kind of funny but the most boring things that happened to me I remember Jason making me laugh. We were in Sunday School, we went to the concord fair, we went to Daine and Kim's wedding, we went to Puerto Rico, we both made the True Love Waits promise (lol), we graduated high school together, we were in Mrs. Driscol's Biology class together, we came to Carolina. Sadly right now I am listening to him sing because it makes me somehow feel like he is alive. Our dads have been joking for 4 years that this Sunday they get to "cut us off." I remember Jason's outrage when he got waitlisted for Carolina and I got in. He was comparing our records trying to figure out why. I wish I could have one last conversation with him, tell him everything I didn't say because I was too scared or too proud. I wish I could give him a hug and tell him I will try my best to take care of his parents the way he would mine. I want to tell him in the back of my mind I always thought maybe one day his mom's dream for us would come true. It's so silly the things that come back. As exciting as this coming weekend is, I feel something is missing. Jason won't be there goofing off. He would be the one with the beach ball or better yet the Ramses suit. I won't pick him out of the crowd because of his height or most likely goofy hat because he won't be there. This is one milestone I have to do on my own. It hurts like hell. I sometimes think the hurt may never go away. God help me!

Woman enraged against the war

I have 6 close friends in Iraq and Afghanistan, a few more acquintances there. One of my acquintances was injured. My friend from highschool, Melanae, has an older brother, Shane, who was in the 82nd Airborne. He was hit by an IED and he lost his left leg and left hand. Let me just say THIS WAR NEEDS TO END. I don't care how but it needs to end. Yes the government is saying we are making progress and such and such but from my friends I hear we aren't doing much of anything but losing our men. In reality I can't handle losing a friend, not again. I know this is selfish but I can't do it.
I was also struck this morning by what was said on Good Morning America. They said that the flooding and fires throughout the country were "biblical." Now I don't know how much I agree but it is starting to get a little scary. There are floods and fires and then a war in the Middle East that really isn't going to have an end unless we do something drastic. My dad wants to get everyone except the army out of Iraq, disarm everyone, and have the world ignore any wrongdoings the army may need to do in order to accomplish it's goal. I don't have a solution. As much as I want to blame Bush, blame Congress, or blame Clinton I can't. Just like I can't blame anyone yet for Jason's death. It leaves this little wound in my heart. I've come to the conclusion that the little wound is why people are enraged by things like war. We need someone to blame for closure. Personally, I am trying to find that closure in God. I am trying hard.
Pray for Shane, pray for all of my friends in Iraq/Afghanistan, and pray for everyone fighting and their families back home. They need it most of all.

These are just 5 of my friends in Iraq/Afghanistan if you want to pray for them by name:

Michael Dodson
Michael Herrmann
Tony Illa
Brett Mixon
Dave Ambron

1 week away graduate

I am stressed, or at least I think I am. Wierd thing is I am not anxious, just stressed. I am graduating in less than a week! I should be crazy by now looking for a job and a place to live but I'm not. I've put everything in God's hands and I tend to stop worrying. I just keep thinking- God is my refuge. The lovely and brillant Rachel from church was able to help me figure out who God is to me. This led me to Psalm 73. No matter what God will be there. Oddly I've actually thought about moving to Puerto Rico. Especially after reading a speech I wrote at the end of my freshmen year in high school I am wondering if missions is what God wants me to do. But at the same time I have a gift when it comes to Autism and developmental disabilities. . . I can relate to the kids, I can help the parents, and I have the patience it takes. I've basically told God it is all His- I have made no plans on my own. This kind of cares me but at the same time I have a sense of comfort, a sense of refuge. For the first time in my entire life I am saying "I don't know" and not freaking out. Do you know how good that feels?
And don't get me started on boys. I've been trying to think what opportunities I will have meeting men in certain jobs and then I thought "wait a minute, I need to do what God wants me to do right now and He will bring me the right person." Since December 3rd my life has been so different when it comes to guys. I made a promise with God that I will wait until I am married and God will bring me the right person and the strength to fight temptation. I am done having my heart broken and putting too much into relationships. I love being with a guy, I love cuddling, I love making out. . . but the reality is I can wait for God to send me a person instead of serial dating if I know my heart will not be completely broken. I am actually thinking about a tattoo in memory of Jason Ray (my friend and the Ramses who died) pictured above. I would change the initials in the stitching to JR or JKR.
Well I think that is a pretty open and honest post for my first post. More will follow!