New blog for now:
http://inquisitiveseeker.wordpress.com/
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Friday, July 25, 2008
Growing Christian
So I'm still unemployed. However if the only reason why I've been unemployed for 2 months is so that I can figure out what I've figured out in the past 48 hours it was COMPLETELY worth it!
Most of you know about my ex, and if you don't please don't ask. Basically he was my first love. . . blah blah blah. He came to see me for my birthday, BIG mistake! It just confused me and something happened that really offended me and he didn't feel like it was wrong in the least bit. I realized yesterday that he never respected me and that was the whole problem- never respecting my time, my emotions or my body. And as if that was enough he actually admitted to it and said he never really cared about me.
That's the short story. As if my heart was not already broken by this person. But thankfully God has taught me He is good ALL THE TIME. During my reading time today, this verse came up:
"Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them." ~Ephesians 5:6-7
Wow! It totally know God is supporting me. It's an awesome feeling and I am grateful for the friends that have told me to end my friendship with him all along. Unfortunately it was one of those things that took time, but I finally got it and I am happy! YAY!
Most of you know about my ex, and if you don't please don't ask. Basically he was my first love. . . blah blah blah. He came to see me for my birthday, BIG mistake! It just confused me and something happened that really offended me and he didn't feel like it was wrong in the least bit. I realized yesterday that he never respected me and that was the whole problem- never respecting my time, my emotions or my body. And as if that was enough he actually admitted to it and said he never really cared about me.
That's the short story. As if my heart was not already broken by this person. But thankfully God has taught me He is good ALL THE TIME. During my reading time today, this verse came up:
"Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them." ~Ephesians 5:6-7
Wow! It totally know God is supporting me. It's an awesome feeling and I am grateful for the friends that have told me to end my friendship with him all along. Unfortunately it was one of those things that took time, but I finally got it and I am happy! YAY!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Searcher
It's been a while. I was laid off from my job on May 15th and I'm currently unemployed. I've been using this time, or at least trying to use it, to figure out me and figure out God. I've had some intense struggles. I am a sinful person, we all are. I'm trying to figure out how to overcome some of that. I attend Summit Church and the pastor, JD, made a comment about sin today. He said that we have to find something we are more passionate about (God) than our sin in order to overcome it. That made sense to me both spiritually and psychologically. Cold-turkey is very hard and rarely do people do it well. But if we look at how people do go cold turkey they replace their problem, like smoking, with something else, like chewing gum or mints. So, if I have this really big sin I've been struggling with and I've tried to rationalize to not really be a sin how do I overcome it? I need to increase my passion for God and let it be a stronger urge than my urge to commit the sin. I'm going to work on that and get back to you on it!
In other news, I had an interview last week that went really well I think. I'm praying I get the position and I would appreciate any prayers! I haven't stressed, I trust that God will provide for me no matter what and if this job doesn't work out He has another one for me that is even better. So I will keep on searching. . .
In other news, I had an interview last week that went really well I think. I'm praying I get the position and I would appreciate any prayers! I haven't stressed, I trust that God will provide for me no matter what and if this job doesn't work out He has another one for me that is even better. So I will keep on searching. . .
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Lover of the little things in life
Some people know this and some don't, but although I am a supervisor for direct care workers I also work as a direct care worker at a different agency. I keep my part-time job because it pays well and I have a few clients that still call me. I've been working with G, a 10 yr old girl with autism, now for 3 years and I take her out at least once a week. Last week we picked up an application to get her her own library card so she could check out books. I thought nothing of it but today when I came to get her her mom told me we HAD to go get the card today. I have never seen such excitement in a very long time! She practically ran into the library and then when they handed her the card she turned around and said "Ms. Jessica I have a LIBRARY CARD NOW!" I had to remind her we whisper in the library but she was so giddy about it it was contagious!
I think that's why I continue to do direct care. My grandma used to say that God brought my aunt (who had Downs Syndrome) into the world to teach us something. I really do think that all children with disabilities are meant not to be a burden from God but a blessing. It's hard to realize sometimes, but the little things that G gets excited about makes me think that is how I should feel at all the blessings I have in my life.
I took her to UNC campus (my alma mater of course) a few weeks ago and she was excited to read all the things on the monuments throughout the quad that I had barely realized existed during my 4 years there. She was thrilled when she found a blue flower because it's her favorite color. The little things made her so amazed.
When did I lose that amazement with God, life and creation? She also doesn't realize people could be bad. She had a $5 bill and had it in her hand the whole time we were walking and I told her it was not safe. She asked why not and I explained that a bad person could come and take it. She replied that that would be mean for them to do. She's not cautious at all when it comes to people and although I think it's an amazing thing to not see the bad in people it's dangerous in our world. When did I stop trusting others and learn to hide my money and such?
I think I love working with kids with autism and disabilities in general because they teach me so much. There is so much excitement when the smallest steps are made and levels of development are overcome. It makes me worry less about the big stuff like money and safety and relationships and look at more of the things that I don't normally "see." G could care less how much money she has, would feel safe anywhere she went and doesn't understand divorce and relationships, it's an innocence I sometimes wish I had. I am grateful for disabilities because with out them I would not have learned as much as I have in life.
I think that's why I continue to do direct care. My grandma used to say that God brought my aunt (who had Downs Syndrome) into the world to teach us something. I really do think that all children with disabilities are meant not to be a burden from God but a blessing. It's hard to realize sometimes, but the little things that G gets excited about makes me think that is how I should feel at all the blessings I have in my life.
I took her to UNC campus (my alma mater of course) a few weeks ago and she was excited to read all the things on the monuments throughout the quad that I had barely realized existed during my 4 years there. She was thrilled when she found a blue flower because it's her favorite color. The little things made her so amazed.
When did I lose that amazement with God, life and creation? She also doesn't realize people could be bad. She had a $5 bill and had it in her hand the whole time we were walking and I told her it was not safe. She asked why not and I explained that a bad person could come and take it. She replied that that would be mean for them to do. She's not cautious at all when it comes to people and although I think it's an amazing thing to not see the bad in people it's dangerous in our world. When did I stop trusting others and learn to hide my money and such?
I think I love working with kids with autism and disabilities in general because they teach me so much. There is so much excitement when the smallest steps are made and levels of development are overcome. It makes me worry less about the big stuff like money and safety and relationships and look at more of the things that I don't normally "see." G could care less how much money she has, would feel safe anywhere she went and doesn't understand divorce and relationships, it's an innocence I sometimes wish I had. I am grateful for disabilities because with out them I would not have learned as much as I have in life.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Single Soul
The minister at my church is doing a series about dating and love and it's really got me thinking a lot. I've been single since October 31,2006. I'm 22 years old. It doesn't really bother me. I've been through it all- an abusive relationship that turned into a stalker, an event no one should ever have to go through, and a relationship where I thought I fell in love, but now I know I didn't. There are many other events I don't feel comfortable mentioning on something that can be read by the whole universe too! My point is I've been through a lot and I am comfortable being single. However, JD (the minister), asked the single people in the church to write a letter to God telling Him we are okay being single forever. *Gulp* But what about children and a husband and the class play? What about that life I have planned out for myself?
I filled in for one of my staff who has come down with the flu with supported employment at a local restaurant. One of the cooks, an older gentleman, told me "I'm not in any way trying to flirt with you but you are too pretty to not have a boyfriend." When I told him my life is busy and I just haven't found the right guy he asked me "But don't you get lonely?" I do and that's something I struggle with, but who says I'm not going to be lonely at times in a relationship? As JD said "A lonely pathetic single person turns into a lonely pathetic married person (okay not a DIRECT quote)."
So what's my conclusion right now? Today I am okay being single. I am still trying to figure out me. That does not mean that if the right person came along I would pass up the chance at all. It just means in the near future I am okay with my singleness. Long term I don't know yet. I think I would be. I see it this way- I've been through multiple events in the past year or so that I would consider the roughest times in my life and I didn't depend on anyone but God. I didn't need a boyfriend to hold me up, I was fine. So I will continue to be fine and depend on God and when the time comes maybe He will send me an awesome guy (with a hot body of course ;-) , but until then I am fine being single.
I filled in for one of my staff who has come down with the flu with supported employment at a local restaurant. One of the cooks, an older gentleman, told me "I'm not in any way trying to flirt with you but you are too pretty to not have a boyfriend." When I told him my life is busy and I just haven't found the right guy he asked me "But don't you get lonely?" I do and that's something I struggle with, but who says I'm not going to be lonely at times in a relationship? As JD said "A lonely pathetic single person turns into a lonely pathetic married person (okay not a DIRECT quote)."
So what's my conclusion right now? Today I am okay being single. I am still trying to figure out me. That does not mean that if the right person came along I would pass up the chance at all. It just means in the near future I am okay with my singleness. Long term I don't know yet. I think I would be. I see it this way- I've been through multiple events in the past year or so that I would consider the roughest times in my life and I didn't depend on anyone but God. I didn't need a boyfriend to hold me up, I was fine. So I will continue to be fine and depend on God and when the time comes maybe He will send me an awesome guy (with a hot body of course ;-) , but until then I am fine being single.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Busy Woman
Well first I posted this on my facebook site last night and I need input:
This weekend I realized I am old. I took a new friend, who came here from Mexico to be an au pair for a family I know to Fiesta del Pueblo. I had a good time and I enjoyed meeting people that she knew that happened to be my age. Then I realized something, she's 17- that's 5 years younger than me! Thinking back to when I was 17 I remember thing that people who had graduated college were so old and it would be forever before I got to that age. Realization: I AM THAT AGE! I'm done with college and in the real world, scary stuff.
Then today at work I realized I want to be back in college. We were in a meeting and the leader of the meeting said that the way we can figure out if our trainings are working is to look at the progress of our clients (staff implement what they learn in training on the clients). I raised my hand and said that that is not feasible as there are many extraneous variables we can't account for acting on the client that could cause a change. Their response: well we can't do anything about those. The staffing coordinator later told me they do not like people telling them that what they are doing is not correct so if I want to keep my job I better keep my knowledge to myself. UM in college I did 2 years of research. . . I know what they said is not legit because it can't be tested. Ugh I want the scholarly world back where I can question things and my knowledge is seen as a gift instead of a curse!
My second thing is I'm worried. My ex is in Iraq and hasn't logged on to myspace in 10 days which he usually checks it every 2-3 days b/c they get time and b/c he knows certain people (urhm me) use that to see if he is okay. So I'm worried. Pray he is okay and just is out on a long assignment. Pray that I don't go crazy worrying. Just pray.
This weekend I realized I am old. I took a new friend, who came here from Mexico to be an au pair for a family I know to Fiesta del Pueblo. I had a good time and I enjoyed meeting people that she knew that happened to be my age. Then I realized something, she's 17- that's 5 years younger than me! Thinking back to when I was 17 I remember thing that people who had graduated college were so old and it would be forever before I got to that age. Realization: I AM THAT AGE! I'm done with college and in the real world, scary stuff.
Then today at work I realized I want to be back in college. We were in a meeting and the leader of the meeting said that the way we can figure out if our trainings are working is to look at the progress of our clients (staff implement what they learn in training on the clients). I raised my hand and said that that is not feasible as there are many extraneous variables we can't account for acting on the client that could cause a change. Their response: well we can't do anything about those. The staffing coordinator later told me they do not like people telling them that what they are doing is not correct so if I want to keep my job I better keep my knowledge to myself. UM in college I did 2 years of research. . . I know what they said is not legit because it can't be tested. Ugh I want the scholarly world back where I can question things and my knowledge is seen as a gift instead of a curse!
My second thing is I'm worried. My ex is in Iraq and hasn't logged on to myspace in 10 days which he usually checks it every 2-3 days b/c they get time and b/c he knows certain people (urhm me) use that to see if he is okay. So I'm worried. Pray he is okay and just is out on a long assignment. Pray that I don't go crazy worrying. Just pray.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Girl with a Positive Self Image- yes I know there are few of us left!
So I get a Peak Fitness membership and so far I like the gym. I was all excited because I got 2 free training sessions with a personal trainer. I was like cool, I can learn all the machines. NOT! First off all they gave me a hot trainer, and he knew he was hot and made sure to show it off the whole time. Then he totally spelled scoliosis wrong! Next he gave me a workout I didn't even want to do- I wanted to learn all the machines and go through the gym but oh no. Then he totally cushioned my whole workout- I'm unable to do a full rotation with my arm- it has to do with my fractured collarbone and I knew I couldn't do it. . . . I still tried but was barely doing it and he put his hand under mine and basically did it for me. VERY annoying because although I play the card sometimes I am not a dumb blonde, especially when it comes to fitness. THEN- and this is the WORST part. . . . he sits me down and totally tries to force me with all his might to get me to sign up for personal training. He was totally unsure of the price switching between 25 a session and 30. . . . okay I pay 25 a month for the gym why the hell would I pay you 25 for ONE session once a month? Financially that makes no sense. He basically made me real uncomfortable and I don't even want me second free session now. Come to find out they don't even work for Peak and he was totally dissing the gym the whole time. They are contracted to work there and work for their own company. So basically there are no Peak employees to show you how to use equipment, just those business-hungry jocks. Fun stuff. Guess I will be using my guest passes to get my fitness friends to come with me and show me how to use stuff. Wish I knew all of this BEFORE going to that meeting b/c now I'm sure they will bug me at the gym and on my cell. BLAH!
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